A friend said recently that she couldn’t tell what the main focus of this blog was and wanted me to spell it out. She challenged me and said ‘what would you want me to tell my friends this blog is about and how could it help them?’ and ‘I don’t feel I could tell my friends about the blog because I don’t know how to explain it to them, or what its purpose is’. I knew what its purpose was for me: I needed to blog every day to get the creative juices flowing and get used to to expressing my thoughts out loud – I was following Seth Godin’s advice on that; I wanted a way to crystalise my thinking about things that had happened to me and what I learned from them; I wanted a cathartic exercise to release some of the pain that’s built up inside over the years; I wanted to be able to talk about the pain, in a way that didn’t harm others or turn me into someone I didn’t like; I wanted to make sense of the chaos of threads that made up my life to this point; I wanted to turn the tapestry over and see the picture and not the seemingly meaningless jumble of threads of events on the underside, I wanted to see what was being created by all these experiences – and it has helped me with all of this. For me, this has been a great exercise, for others, well meh, not so sure. My wise friend is right, I need more clarity for others to benefit from this and this morning it became clear to me what the central message is about. I have said this before, when I’ve said ‘it’s all about my inner journey with the bigger part of me’ – that makes sense to me – it’s maybe not so clear for others. Something happened this morning that clarified things for me as to how I should explain for the benefit of others what this is all really about.
I overheard a heated and very distressed phone call this morning. An argument where deep trauma was being expressed with verbal lashing out. It began to affect me, not merely because of the noise making it hard to concentrate on my work, but because of the emotional pain being expressed and essentially not being listened to by the other party, who was keeping themselves away in order to protect themselves from verbal assault, but by doing so also shirking their responsibilities and putting the other party under further pressure. It reminded me of my own pain and the feeling of helplessness of needing others, and them not being there for me, not facing their responsibilities or meeting my expectations and as a result feeling trapped, overwhelmed and unjustly blamed or not being able to cope with the pressure of doing everyone’s job for them, all the while looking like I was the failure and being judged as such. It’s easy to look cool and collected when you’re shirking your responsibilities by dumping them all on someone else and making sure everyone knows it wasn’t your fault, by getting angry with the person carrying the whole load. It’s like throwing people under the bus then looking around at others, shrugging your shoulders and muttering ‘drunk’ – implying they fell under the bus all by themselves due to their own personal failings.
Two things came from this. The first: I dealt with my own emotional reaction to events by putting in my air pods and listening to ‘Moonlight Kiss’ by Bap Kennedy. I find it easy now to enter my resourceful inner space – Big Sue, when I play gentle music that I like. We all like different music, and songs like this work for me. Iron Maiden might be more up your street – who knows? Then I visualised being like Wonder Woman in the battlefield scene where she’s deflecting bullets off her gauntlets. I pictured myself walking through the explosions caused by emotional hand grenades being lobbed into my environment and deflecting the sniper bullets of threats and accusations with my gauntlets, as the opening phrase from ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling swirled in my mind ‘If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs’. And I thought, ‘this is it’, ‘this is what it’s all about’, ‘it’s being able to find everything I need on the inside, whenever I need it’. All the peace, love, gentleness, strength, stability and wisdom is there – always. This blog is about letting people know it’s there and helping them to find it.
The second thing that came from this was the reminder of how painful life can get if you haven’t found this inner resource to find the strength to deal with everything that comes your way. Knowing you have this resource means that you can safely take responsibility for everything in your life, regardless of the behaviour of others, because you don’t need them. You can do it anyway. You don’t need their permission, you don’t need their help, there is always another way to deal with it. Now I’m not saying you should do everything yourself, we need to be able to delegate to others. What I’m saying is that if specific people fail you, you can find another way, you don’t need them, you are not trapped. You can find the way by being still and listening to the wisdom that you will find within.
So if the message of the blog is not clear yet, it’s this:
You have everything you will ever need, to face everything that happens to you in this life, inside you. You just have to find it, and finding it is easy. – Sue Moseley